its ten thirty and im tired. from what? i slept till noon today. give me a break. and then i have the audacity to ignore any sort of homework that i have.
i keep saying i will wait until thanksgiving. i will catch up on everything then.
i dont think im shitting anyone. i just have lost the will. it is really that simple. i went on a walk with johanna chase last night, i wanted her opinion on the certain "issues" that i am grappling with. the list is so basic it makes me sick: school. relationship. god.
but it was insightful. johanna has this quiet wisdom, and this look in her eyes that tells you she is really listening. she cares. we talked outside on a curb while a party was kicking in to its highest climax of joyousness in the house behind us.
johanna is smart. and incredibly understanding. when i told her of my beliefs, and my relationship problems, and school, she just sat there and listened. and then instead of saying that what i believed was wrong or destructive, we talked about it. we talked like the adults that we are. it was conversational heaven.
and then i went back inside and laughed with friends that i havent shared a laugh with in a long time. and then someone picked up a guitar, and i picked up a melodica, and i think it was johanna who picked up a harmonica.
and i did something else i hadnt done in much too long: i jammed. and it felt fucking phenomenal.
so im sitting on my bed typing this, kitty curled up next to me, eyes half open. and i want to turn this around. i want to stop waking up and feeling like everything i care about is quickly slipping through my fingers. i want positive energy. and i got a slight glimpse of what that could look like last night. but my will seems to have been stripped from me.
gone.
optimism keeps eluding me. and my heart is collapsing on itself like a dying star.
one night, months from now, i may be able to see clearer, to grasp reason. but tonight is not that night. im a wreck. and thats the truth.
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