for your consideration

you were there for my delivery
you were there when i turned two
the first time that i broke a bone
i was told to trust in you
fighting with my sister
in our milk-truck minivan
once a week we rode together
proving that our family can

look to you

and after years of trusting
all the men who stood in front
i came to reconsider
and rejected their stunt
you were there for my doubting
you were there for my pain
the last time that i fell apart
i was told that it was plain:

look to you

you were there for my curses
you were there when i said no
when i emptied my belief in you
you stayed home and didnt show
so as i look to progress
i have one final plea
could you take care of a woman
who seeks you desperately

and looks to you

be there for her mother
be there in her jobs
hold her little sister close
and comfort when she sobs
you and i have made our peace
and you're leaving me alone
please stay with the girl i love
and let your self be shown

when she looks to you
looks to you

a few things

-since yesterday i cannot stop writing.
-i walked by a friend today on campus and he shouted to me as i sprinted by to class, "It's nice to see a smile on tay mckay's face finally!"
-last night i was completely blindsided by a good friend when he asked me to be in his wedding.
-i had the wonderful opportunity last night (thanks to my kick-ass sister) to see my favorite band of all time play the best show i have ever experienced.
-im figuring out if god exists and it is really enlightening.
-there was a debate in my advanced composition class today on twilight, and i was naturally the lead spokesman on the anti-twilight side, only to end the debate thinking "who cares if its shitty, who am i to bash that trash."
-yesterday, from completely out of nowhere, i was presented with the idea to apply to teach at a waldorf school. and i actually want to when i graduate.
-i am trying to put out positive energy.

these are good things in a time where all signs point to "i should feel bitter, angry, and depressed". i am choosing to grow up and move forward.

daydream #1

ancient tree deck
anchored in
forever easter-green
miniature paws navigate
uncharted
miniature me's and you's
sweet tea air our noses drink
our lips exhale, soft
translating single syllable-
little-speak conversations
purr-giggle-purr-coo
our eden yard
my forest face
your willow tangle hair
dusk love together

the great upstaging

i told you my dreams i couldnt repeat
so i'll write em down
maybe then you can see
i dont have a rational sense
i'm going to the garden
and im chopping down the knowledge tree

i'm told i gotta believe in somethin
so i remember what it was
that johanna said
"you aint dead"
no i aint dead

give me reason
or give me discontent
im finding neither after casting out
on both sides with my net
ive been bullied out onto the water
i was told when i almost drowned
that i showed bravery
but risking everything with someone
breeds stupidity

i'm told i gotta believe in somethin
so i remember what it was
that johanna said
"you aint dead"
no i aint dead

one day when tyrants fall
and lovers run to embrace
i will be in a museum
trying to remember your face

dream #2

features blurred beautiful
unrecognized
yet, voice attaches
my plunge irrational quiet
my misplaced belongings
and a chuckle
pure existence liberated
you vanish
stretched hallway universe
planet elevator
thermosphere slides away
you
subtle request
"follow"
magnetic fingertips
orbit swings, rotation: one around
the other
clouds tangle legs
space-sea-carpet underneath
nuclear fusion strangers
at once-everything
we, the supernova

dream #1

cracked limbs waltz
penetrating door-frames
spines, sun-burnt golden
snap from scalp to neckline
whipping like fishing wire
cast dipping in crisp atmosphere
lightning joy captured
secured behind your ear
sing
creaky chorus naked
wood floor
sing as
feather feet sweep melodies
along your giving face
your fortune exists
within intimate dances

i need to be up early tomorrow

its ten thirty and im tired. from what? i slept till noon today. give me a break. and then i have the audacity to ignore any sort of homework that i have.

i keep saying i will wait until thanksgiving. i will catch up on everything then.

i dont think im shitting anyone. i just have lost the will. it is really that simple. i went on a walk with johanna chase last night, i wanted her opinion on the certain "issues" that i am grappling with. the list is so basic it makes me sick: school. relationship. god.

but it was insightful. johanna has this quiet wisdom, and this look in her eyes that tells you she is really listening. she cares. we talked outside on a curb while a party was kicking in to its highest climax of joyousness in the house behind us.

johanna is smart. and incredibly understanding. when i told her of my beliefs, and my relationship problems, and school, she just sat there and listened. and then instead of saying that what i believed was wrong or destructive, we talked about it. we talked like the adults that we are. it was conversational heaven.

and then i went back inside and laughed with friends that i havent shared a laugh with in a long time. and then someone picked up a guitar, and i picked up a melodica, and i think it was johanna who picked up a harmonica.

and i did something else i hadnt done in much too long: i jammed. and it felt fucking phenomenal.

so im sitting on my bed typing this, kitty curled up next to me, eyes half open. and i want to turn this around. i want to stop waking up and feeling like everything i care about is quickly slipping through my fingers. i want positive energy. and i got a slight glimpse of what that could look like last night. but my will seems to have been stripped from me.

gone.

optimism keeps eluding me. and my heart is collapsing on itself like a dying star.

one night, months from now, i may be able to see clearer, to grasp reason. but tonight is not that night. im a wreck. and thats the truth.

tim quote of the day

"pathetic doesnt even describe, its on a whole other level, but pathetic is the best way i can describe how twilight is affecting the world. i look at people waiting in line and i feel sad for them."
-tim d'amico

its amazing to me how he and i are almost the same person

its good to know others feel the same things

I would be sad because you left me all alone.
I would be sad because the lies that you had told.
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore.
I would be sad because the love I had before.

I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you although I know it's not something that you were asking me to
do.
And I know we are young but we won't always be, so marry me; lets not be that predictable young couple changing, moving on.
But I can tell by watching you that theres no chance of pushing through.
The odds are so against us; you know most young love it ends like this.


I would be sad because you left me all alone.
I would be sad because the lies that you had told.
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore.
I would be sad for all the love I had before.

I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you.
You know me; I've always been the kind with easy confidence.
Confident enough to honestly beleive that nothing out there stopping me especially not someone who's not loving me.
Now listen here I told you I could live on with out loving you.
I was bluffing then, but it seems that just might have been the truth.
Well my dad told me, "One day son, this girl will think of what she's done and hurting you will be the first of many more
regrets to come."
And he said, "If she doesn't call, then it's her fault and it's her loss."
I say, "It's not that simple see, but then again it just may be."


I would be sad because you left me all alone.
I would be sad for the lies that you had told.
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adored.
I would be sad for all the love I had before.
I would be sad for all the love I had before.