its really nothing of consequence. that is, when you really do think hard about it. how reading old letters (or those loathsome excuses for letters we have so aptly named "emails") will make one consider all that he or she has done. and then one thinks, "good god, what am i doing here?". then one would have to consider their degree of happiness. another perspective or lens in which to view this is to ponder satisfaction. maybe entertaining thoughts of self-productivity would be in order since, now that one has suddenly shot off their synapses like firecrackers in the hands of nine-year-olds, they need their brain to make sense. "well if im not happy, then surely i am at least satisfied." one says quickly. however, this response evolves to the shattering, "but im not satisfied. well im damn well sure that at least im productive." but then they soon realize that they arent.
so whats not of consequence is simply this: achievement. we have all achieved in some way or another something expected of us. 12 god damned years of school. for most of us this was barely an achievement since already our parents, along with society, was shoving applications for universities in front of us, saying this was the appropriate and "smart" next step. so most of us got accepted to a junior college or a university. we begin to feel the sting of accomplishment, like a tiny dose of heroin pricking its way into our bloodstream. we begin to crave success.
but now, as i sit at my computer, a twenty-one year old with almost three years of "higher education"behind me, i despise success. i want to wrap my fingers around the throat of all my academic achievements and whisper "you almost killed me you bastard. almost."
i am not happy academically. i have indeed gained from my experience at the university. i have learned from some fascinating professors, i have written things that i am deeply proud of, and i have come to know intimately many wonderful human beings. but i say again, i am not happy academically.
i am not satisfied, and rarely do a feel productive when i am engaged in the academic year. as i look at the coming conclusion of my third, not only am i engulfed in apathy towards the "grading system", but i am enraged that the one major identifiable OPPRESSOR in my life is academia. i feel crushed by it. i used to have this incredibly disturbing nightmare when i was a child that i was being crushed between huge rust-covered gears the size of houses. as i felt the unbearable pain pressing in from all sides of me, i was slowly being pulled through this machine. i would wake up drenched in sweat, smelling offensively, shaking and not knowing how i had escaped the machinery in which i had been trapped only moments ago. this nightmare is slowly and hauntingly creeping into my reality as an adult. as i try to shake from this frightening anticipation, i feel as though i cannot.
so this all then asks a very formidable question: what will i do?
i can continue to submit myself to the oppressive gears of academia, if only for another year, just to gain a degree.
i could take time off. escape the machinery. will people then ask me, "what the hell were the last three years for if you dont get a degree?" the answer is simple for me now.
"i gained relationships and understanding. i know now what i wish to really accomplish, and how to become satisfied and achieve happiness in a way in which it isnt just about how i live, but how i can encourage others with the way i live."
so will i escape the machinery? that has yet to be seen. but i am considering my routes and drawing up maps, just in case escape becomes necessary.